Before I Kill Myself
I want to know that my friends and family will be okay without me and I know 98% of them will be fine but it’s the ones that at in that 2% that I’m worried about. I mean my best friend who hadn’t actually had a conversation with me in about a month pulls me aside at school and tells me that I’m the only thing keeping him alive and if anything happened to me he doesn’t know what he’d do and two of my other best friends have both told me numerous times that I’m one if the main things keeping them alive and that’s all a bunch of pressure I but on a girl who’s been suicidal for 3 years now and a self harmer for 4. All I want to do is be able to kill my self without hurting anybody else. I’m like a ticking bomb and I’m coining down till the day I kill myself and the time is getting closer and closer to zero everyday and the numbers are turning red and the beeping is getting louder as I’m close to exploding an when I do explode I don’t want to hurt anybody else around me. I just need to know that those three people will be okay when I’m gone and 6 feet under and that’s why I’m posting this. Because I want to say sorry to all the people who are affected by the shrapnel when I finally explode and kill my self and I want to let those three people know that they are the world to me an their the main reason I’ve hung on for as long as I have and that’s I’m sorry I’m screwed up and I want you all to live your life and grow old and wise and get married and have beautiful amazing children and I want you to forget about me, I want you to think back when you’re old and gray and wonder who the weird stupid purple hair girl in some of your memories are but I don’t want you to be able to remember what I did or whining actually was to you I just want to be gone and forgotten.
Help me? Please?
How do I stop self harming again?
If you are even a small part of the BBC Sherlock fandom reblog this now
Have you ever thought of it? Of how easy it would be? Of how you could just jump out the window or step in front of a car? Of how you could swallow all of your pills and it would be over? Of how you just need a way out because you just can’t take it anymore?
I decided along time ago that I was killing my self. I don’t know when, it may not be tonight, tomorrow, or even this year but my life will end by my hand and my choice and it will happen before I’m 30.
So in response to the poem my ex posted on Facebook I wrote a poem the next day and I was planning on posting that day and tagging him in it but I chickened out but I have it save in my phone an I’m just annoyed enough right now that I’m doing it and I very well might send him a big fuck you! Because he’s so bipolar and I can’t deal with not knowing what his feelings really are for me so I’m done playing games until he decides to figure his shit out.
I’m so fucking tired of crying over him!
Conversation between me and my ex
I haven’t cut in 10 months and I haven’t burned in 3 weeks until last night. Last night I shredded my thigh to bits I burnt my arm to just a blister and I’m so ashamed. I feel like I’ve let everyone down. I’m a failure and I might as well be gone.
Today I did what I always do
After a breakup I still try to be friends with my exes and so that means we still hangout well today I was hanging out with the guy who broke my heart and this other girl who’s really sweet and really pretty and I like her as a person I might even try to be friends with her but anyways as I was walking behind them on the way to class after I hung out with them during lunch I mentioned that they would make a really cute could because they’re cute together and they flirt a lot or it seems it anyways but the both screamed no and I dropped. I always do that tho. I always try to find someone they would be cute with it makes me feel better and makes the breakup more manageable I’m not sure why but it works.